Phil McGroin and Camera Man

A mix-up from the usual...

God damn! Look at me. Sexy as fuck. I'd lick those abs if I could. Wait, can I? Urgh, nope body can't bend that way. Ah well, I'd lick those abs if I could! Is that gay? Nah, couldn't possibly be gay. That'd be like saying giving myself a hand job is gay. Is that gay? Never thought about it. Why am I thinking about it? Why am I turned on thinking about it? Must be my abs. Definitely can't be gay if it's yourself. Sure of it. Hmm., my abs feel good. Everything does really. I'm gonna cum on them, rub it all over. That can't possibly be gay. I know who will know.

Phil McGroin: Camera Man! Is it gay to wank?

Camera Man: What?

Phil McGroin: Come here?

Camera Man: You told me I'm no longer allowed in your room.

Phil McGroin: Just get in here?

Camera Man: What the fuck?! Why are you hard? Why? Just why? I'm leaving.

Phil McGroin: Wait. I have an important question.

Camera Man: It had better be.

Phil McGroin: You know it's rude to not make eye contact with someone when they're talking to you, right? So look at me when I'm talking to you.

Camera Man: I'm good looking over here thanks. At least until you put some clothes on.

Phil McGroin: Fine. Be weird. Anyway, is wanking gay?

Camera Man: Depends on who you're wanking.

Phil McGroin: I'm going to take that as a no. And if I start rubbing my cum into...

Camera Man: NOT having this conversation! Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Phil McGroin: Clearly nothing. Look at this body. I could lick these abs so much. Where's your camera?

Camera Man: Downstairs with my breakfast. You're not borrowing it.

I'm going to have to beat him. Do I want to get turned on that much though? Nah, not in the mood for that today. Not when I can just keep looking at myself.

Camera Man: Can I go back downstairs and finish my breakfast now? Please.

Phil McGroin: Yeah yeah, don't disturb me for a while. I'm busy.

Camera Man: Not a problem!

Good, he's gone. Now where was I? Oh yeah, my abs. My abs and... huh, when did I get that chair? I don't recognise that one. It looks sturdy. Ooh, it feels sturdy too. A bit cold on the metal parts, smooth on the wooden. It feels so right in my hands, like it's a gift from God. Wait, it is a gift from God? Huh, he really does love me. Who can blame him.

Phil McGroin: So basically God loves me. I love me. I love chairs. So chairs love me?

Urgh, AAAAAAAAAAA!!! Now where did I leave the wet wipes?

Phil McGroin: Camera Man! I need you!

--- next month, we're back in Camera Mans mind, as Phil's is too much for normal people ---

Do you ever get the feeling that you're not treated that well? That's how I'm feeling today. You see, I was sat at the kitchen table earlier enjoying my nice cup of Super Genius Brain Better Than Phil Fucking McGroin Coffee (still not come up with a better name for it), or SGBBTPFMC for short, when my chair was whipped out from under me and thown against the wall. I fall flat on my ass and drop my SGBBTPFMC all over my face. I mean seriously, what the fuck?!

Oh yeah, that's right, Phil has been in a pissy recently because people keep wanting "his" title. I'm pretty sure that he thinks he owns it. Like proper owns it, not 4CW. Who knows though. Anyway, I have no chair and hot coffee on my face. Talk about a bad day! I know that Phil is the one that took the chair out from under me, but I still look up to confirm it just in case, because you know, if it was someone else I'd have to open a can of whoop ass on them and then quickly go crying to Phil for protection before they beat the piss out of me.

So, I'm looking up, coffee on my face, and the following conversation takes place:

Phil McGroin: The fuck are you doing down there?

Camera Man: Well I was sat on a chair before you walked in.

Phil McGroin: And I needed it.

Camera Man: You mean you needed to throw it against the wall and break it?

Phil McGroin: That's exactly what I said. It's like you don't listen to me at times. I don't know why I bother.

Camera Man: Why did it have to be broken? Could you not have used the empty one next to me?

Phil McGroin: Could I not have broken my chair next to you? What kind of crazy question is that? Break my own chair... I'm not a crazy person Camera Man. At least show the champion of 4CW some respect, yeah?

Camera Man: Sorry, oh great one.

I rolled my eyes on that one and then hoped to God that he didn't notice that or the sarcasm. I was sarcastic to him once before and he slapped me like a bitch. Actually slapped me. Can you believe that? Anyone would think I'm his bitch. Anyway, he hadn't noticed which was good. But it all worked out in the end. You see, Phil was feeling all hot over his little outburst (where he was right, I don't listen to him at times. I seriously have no idea what this outburst was about but I'm assuming it's about the Hardcore Title as that's all he's talked about for over a month), so he opened the windows. Hayfever alert! I sneezed, and now I'm banished to one of the barns until I'm over my "disease", and given all this hay and the fact that I forgot to take my antihistamine this morning and don't have them on my person, I could be out here for a while. Good times. Although I do wish he'd have let me pick up my camera before he literally kicked me out of the back door. You might as well call me No-Camera Man.

The other day, Phil set up a press conference. I've been busy since trying to get this organised, which has been a bit of a bitch thanks to other people with cameras wanting to get set up. One guy turned up with a camera that costs £5000. More than mine cost, so naturally he's been banned from attending now.

The big day comes though, and my camera is front and centre. I need to have the best shot, not just because I'm the best professional there is, but because Phil will probably kill me otherwise. In all, it's a nice set up. McGroin gets to stand behind a podium with a nice little chair for him to stand on (because standing on a stool or a box would just make no sense to him at all), and I've explained it's for standing on not sitting on or hitting people with. Especially not for throwing! That was important to point out.

There are reporters from all over gathered around. Even a few fans scattered around, which was a surprise. I guess some people really do love him. You know, people that don't have to live with him or put up with his shit.

It was a fairly bog standard Q&A to start with. He made some people laugh, he got a load of claps that he lapped up like a good dog would. It was all going so well until Lindsey, the reporter next to me, decided to ask the wrong question. I tried to stop her, but like all reporters, she was annoying as shit and just asked the stupid questions anyway.

Lindsey: Phil, I've heard you mention a few times now that you're undefeated...

This is where I tried to stop her, unsuccessfully.

Lindsey: ... you lost the Hardcore title 7 times though. Losing the title means losing, and we saw you lose. Why do you still claim to be undefeated?

McGroin: Listen lady, I don't know what you think you saw, but it certainly wasn't me losing. Undefeated, I am. Come on now, let's be honest here, you really think anyone can beat this?

Lindsey: Well yes, we all saw it.

Camera Man: For the record Phil, I didn't.

And now the people around me look like they want to kill me.

McGroin: I'm undefeated, simple as. Next question.

Lindsey: You hasven't answered my question yet.

McGroin: Yeah, I have. Next.

Lindsey: No, you haven't. I want an answer please.

Here it comes, he's looking right at me as he asks this.

McGroin: Am I talking to a retard or something?

That sound you hear now as you watch this back, that's pure silence. I hadn't accidentially knocked the mic out, again. It happened one time, I've learnt my lesson on that. The mic was still attached and functioning. This silence was a bit of shock at what Phil just said. Naturally, I have to go up there and whisper that he can't say that word, especially not in a news conference. It's just a shame that Phil couldn't whisper back to me and so everything he said next was clearly picked up on the mics for all to hear.

McGroin: Why can't I say retard? I can say what I want. I know a retard anyway, little Jimmy down the road. You know, the 7 year old that runs funny. He's hilarious how he runs with his little retarded legs flailing everywhere **(yes, he moved his arms about to imitate as he said this)** and a tongue too big for his head. It's like a dog that can walk on it's hind legs. He's hilarious, I love that kid. Cracks me up every time I see the little fucker.

At this point, I'm backing the fuck out of there. There are murmers going through the small crowd, I hear a few shouts. People are angry. I have a quick glance towards my camera. It's a bit too far to grab and Lindsey the reporter is now looking at me like she'll beat me if I go near her. Not that I've done anything wrong, but I seem to get the blame anyway. I think I'll leave it. I can always get a new camera. Especially since people are now throwing things at Phil and fuck me he's just thrown the little chair into the crowd in response. I was very clear on not throwing that chair!

I really don't know how this all went so wrong. Was days in planning and now I'm a camera down, people are pissed at me for something Phil said and he's thrown a small chair at people. I thought press confrences were meant to be easy and peaceful.

Anyway, I should have gone and got my camera before it was destroyed in the madness that followed Phil's comments about little Jimmy down the road. If I had, a would have seen Phils chair hit a reporter for The Sun in the face, according to Phil. Which I'll be honest, I would have loved to have seen, but sadly as my camera was at the front, and most of the reporters were behind that, my camera would only have caught Phil throwing it, not who it hit. I tried explaining this to Phil, but he wasn't having it and I'm living in the barn for a week as "punishment" for not getting my camera back for him to relive his moment of glory.

Phil has seemed more like himself recently, joining me for breakfast, berating me for anything and everything, steel chair shopping and working out like a demon. He's not worked out for a bit, but he's making sure that he's in fighting shape and fully fit for what he calls his "glorious 4CW return."

He told me this morning that he wanted to give his fans an update and that I needed to get everything set up. So here I am, camera ready pointing at a lone steel chair set up in the barn. The cows have been moved outside to roam and eat as much grass as they like so that he won't be disturbed. I figured that was for the best with how he's been recently. No one wants a repeat of when he wrestled with old Penny, even if I do hate that stupid cow. I swear no other cow shits everywhere as much as she does. Although she's bulked up a fair bit over the years, so not entirely sure whether Phil could make her tap out again.

Anyway, everything is set up, the lighting is perfect. Now I just need to wait for Phil to arrive. He's later than he said he would be, but he eventually turns up with a steel chair in hand.

McGroin: What's this?

He's pointing at the chair that I have set up for him.

Camera Man: A chair, for you to sit on.

McGroin: I already have a chair.

He absolutely boots the chair that I set up, sending it flying into the side of the barn before setting up his own, identical, chair in it's place and sitting down. He stares straight at the camera and I hit record.

McGroin: My loyal fans, I feel like you deserve an explanation from me. And to be honest, talking about it just this once might help. Well, that's what my therapist says. I sacked her on the spot. Fuck her and her stupid ideas. But I'm here to give it a go. I've been absent for far too long, but I'm back. I'm angrier than ever, hungrier than ever and more determined than ever. Everyone is getting a steel chair to the face. Every title will be mine. That's the aim. I want more titles than I can carry. I'm the best that I've ever been, I mean just look at these guns!

He flexes his muscles to the camera. Then he looks more serious as he puts his arms back onto his lap.

McGroin: A year ago, I fell in love. I don't think I really knew what love really felt like before her. Always thought I did, but it turns out that I didn't. I'd found true love. I thought that I made her happy. She certainly made me happy. Life was pretty great, she was telling me about how she was going to move in with me this year, she talked about when we get married and I wanted that so much. I'd never thought about marriage before her, but I wanted that so much with her. She was everything to me. I had a future that wasn't just me with a steel chair in hand smashing people in the face. I had a life away from all that, away from Phil McGroin the greatest wrestler alive where I was Phil McGroin a man in love and incredibly happy. I kept those two lives separate.

McGroin: I truly thought that she was happy and that I was doing a good job of making her happy. I did everything I could to make her happy. She told me that she was. Then one day she tells me that she's not and my world crumbled around me. The worst part was when she said that she thinks she'd be better off without me. Can you imagine being told that by someone that you love with all of your heart? It crushed me.

I notice a tear trickle down his face and I can't help but wipe away one of my own. I had no idea. How could I have been so blind to all of this.

McGroin: I've been in a dark place. I've gone through so many emotions and I was close to killing myself. I overdosed last month, but thankfully I'm pretty invincible and was okay. I spent a long time wanting nothing but to have her back, but I've come to realise that things will never be the same again. As much as I love her, I couldn't live with her just wondering when she'll destroy me again with words that hurt more than anything I've ever put my body through before. I'm not saying I'm better, because I'm not. But I don't want to take my life anymore and I'm in a place where I'm ready to get back to work. I need to separate my life again so that the Phil McGroin you see isn't this hot, sexy mess before you today. You all want and deserve to see the man you all love and I can do that. I'm back, baby!

He wipes away his own tears and looks directly at me.

McGroin: Camera Man, are you crying? Faggot. Pull yourself together man!

And there he is, the Phil that I know. I can't help but smile.

Camera Man: Sorry boss. I'm good, honestly. Glad to have you back.

McGroin: The world won't be glad that I'm back, that I can promise you.

And with that, he gets up and walks away. Suppose I should pack up my camera and follow him into the house. Life is back to normal for me at least.

It's been an odd week. I got confined to the cow barn yesterday for coughing. Confined is probably too nice. It was more like I was literally kicked out of the door and told to, and I quote "fuck right off and live in the barn until you haven't coughed in at least two weeks". I actually have a boot print on my back from where he kicked me out of the door.

There I was, thinking that I'd have an easy life for a bit. The world has gone to shit thanks to, and I'm quoting Phil again here, "those goddamned motherfucking hippies sneezing wherever the fuck they please and bringing about the end of the world". Anyway, I was thinking I might have an easy life. Phil had brought out his hazmat suit and was wearing it all the time. I've been tempted to ask him how he goes to the bathroom in it, but every time I thought about asking I realised that I really don't want to know the answer.

I suppose in the chronicles of Camera Man and Phil McGroin, I should fully explain why you might not see much of him in these clips since I'm locked away. Have I mentioned that I have to shit in the corner? There's no toilet in a cow barn because why would there be? They just shit on the ground wherever they please. And they smell horrendous. Anyway, I digress. How I got to be here.

Yesterday:
I was minding my own business, enjoying the quiet of not seeing Phil around much as he's hiding away in his hazmat suit. He actually works out wearing it, that was rather interesting to catch on camera. At one point lifting weights, he giggled like a little girl, which I assume meant that he farted and it smelt. He obviously forgot that no one else would be able to smell it since it's contained in his suit. Or maybe he hasn't and he still just finds it funny. It's hard to tell. He can't smell nice in there anyway, I mean who works out in a hazmat suit? Where's the sweat going to go? But as I was saying, I was minding my own business in the kitchen with a good cup of coffee in my hands - the one good thing about having cows around, we're not affected by the milk shortage. Has a funny taste to it, but it's better than no milk.

Phil walks in, picks up a coffee and tried to drink it. I can't tell you how glad I am that I got that on camera. I'm not sure how well he's thought this through, as he was telling me the other day that he'll live in this suit for months if he has to. That coffee I made him went everywhere though, making a fine mess on the floor. I hadn't thought about how he would drink and eat until that moment. I'm sure he'll work something out eventually.

The point about him pouring coffee all over himself though is why I got thrown out. I didn't want to actually laugh in his face you see, as he has been known to throw temper tantrums which usually result in other people being hurt. Me. I get hurt. So I tried to stifle my laugh, which came at an unfortunate time as I'd just taken a sip of my own coffee. I kind of chocked a little bit which caused me to cough. He immediately turned to me with a look of death. You'll see it on the recording if it ever gets to see the light of day. My dread set in immediately, but it didn't all go as I expected.

Phil McGroin: Camera Man, good buddy. I think I just heard someone knock on the front door.

Camera Man: I didn't hear anything.

What the fuck is going on - that's what I was thinking.

Phil McGroin: No, there was definitely something there. I really think you should go and check.

Fine, I'll humour you. I get up and walk to the front door. When I turn around, Phil is stood behind me.

Camera Man: But close, ain't ya?

Phil McGroin: Open the door.

There's something about the way that he said that that now that I think about it, I should have noticed. He's serious a lot of the time, but this was a deadpan as you can get. So I slowly open the door. As I suspected, no one there. I knew I'd have heard it if someone knocked. And that's when I was flung forward, taking a boot to my back. Oof. That hurt, he got me right in the spine. Probably have whiplash as well.

Phil McGroin: You might think that I didn't hear that cough, but I fucking well did. And you know what that means, you fuck right off and live in the barn until you haven't coughed in at least two weeks. And I will be listening out for it! Diseased little vermin, bringing that shit into my house.

Camera Man: There's no bed in there. Can't you just confine me to my room? You have a hazmat suit on.

Phil McGroin: Is this disease a joke to you? I said what I said, fuck off and live in the barn. If it's good enough for my beloved cows then you'll be fine.

Camera Man: But we have an event to prepare for?

Phil McGroin: We? What do you mean by we? I have an event to prepare for. You just point a camera at me and watch. You'll be scrubbed down before that event and you will be wearing a supplied hazmat suit in the coming days for when you leave the barn. Good day, Camera Man.

And with that he shut the door and I've not seen him since, on account of being locked in a barn. He's a sneaky one, he waited until I was exhausted enough to fall asleep and then he put a padlock on. Bastard.

You know I love these characters, but I just have to reiterate it once or twice a year. Great stuff. Comedy gold.

Good news everyone. I got let out of the barn and can live in the house again. Finally a comfy bed. You'd think that laying down on a bundle of hay would be comfortable, but then you turn your head and it spikes you in the face. I wouldn't recommend it. Anyway, I have strict instructions for being back in the house - I have to wear a face mask at all times, Phil checks my temperature from a distance (not sure how accurate that could possibly be, but whatever) morning and evening, and as usual, I'm not allowed to cough or sneeze. If I fail, I'm back in the barn. So every morning I'm taking more antihistamines than is probably recommended because of this bastard hayfever and sunny weather and I can't risk a sneeze.

And he's still walking around with that damn title belt around his waist. It even goes to the toilet with him.

There's also the main reason that I got let out. Phil's mother has come to visit for a day and I have to get this all on camera for his adoring fans. I've never met his mother, so this'll be fun. He makes the odd comment now and then about her, but she can't be as bad as he says.

She turns up at 10 am and she is fucking hot for an older lady! About 5 foot 6 inches, long straight black hair, blue eyes to die for and not a wrinkle in sight. I flick my attention between them both wondering how this goddess gave birth to this nutter. Then she spoke and I come crashing down to reality.

Phil McGroin: Camera Man, say hello to my mother.

Camera Man: Hel...

She throws her coat over my head and I hear her saying something about it being about time that he'd gotten a butler. Great, this is going so well already.

Phil McGroin: Camera Man, stop dicking around. Put the coat where it belongs and get back here to film my angel of a mother.

Phil McGroin's Mum: Camera Man? What an odd name for an odd little fellow. You don't half pick them up, Philip.

Phil McGroin: I know, right. But what can I do? People are just attracted to my godly body.

Phil McGroin's Mum: Who isn't. Now come give your mum a kiss.

I got back just in time to see them kiss on the lips. It was a little weird. And it seems I didn't have the camera aimed at them quickly enough.

Phil McGroin: Camera Man, what have I told you about fucking recording! No one gives a shit about the floor! This is my show!

Phil McGroin's Mum: Come on Camera Boy, it's not difficult.

Camera Man: Man.

Phil McGroin's Mum: What?

Phil McGroin: Did you just backchat my mum?

Camera Man: Nope. Wouldn't dream of it.

Phil McGroin's Mum: Good. I'd hate to have to make Philip beat you into obedience. Philip, what do I always tell you?

Phil McGroin: That I have to keep these bitches in line. Don't worry mum, I'll make sure he learns his lesson. It won't happen again. Right Camera Boy?

Camera Man: Yep.

Camera Boy had better not fucking stick. Camera Man is a fun conversation starter when trying to get laid. Camera Boy just wouldn't work as well. And imagine the embarrassment of having to get your name changed to that? Unthinkable. I'm a professional, but I have my limits. Camera Man as a name is as far as it goes.

I follow them into the kitchen where they both take seats. I'm left standing of course, because why would we have more than two chairs in the kitchen? Why would a guy that loves chairs so much have more than two around? Oh, that's right, he breaks most of them hitting things. So I stand awkwardly in the corner, keeping the camera firmly set on his mum, who is arousing me in a really scary way. I think all these years of putting up with Phil have affected me more than I'd like to admit.

Phil McGroin: Mum, why don't you say a message to my fans. I'm by far the most popular person in 4CW and they'd love to hear a bit about how you made me as good as I am.

Phil McGroin's Mum: Quite.

She turns to look at the camera and it's like she's staring into my soul. Oh god, what if she can tell? Got to think of something else and not get more aroused. Naked grandma. Naked grandma. Naked grandma!

Phil McGroin's Mum: Young Philip was always a good boy. He was always the strongest at school and was always putting those little miscreants in their place. He made us so proud. Undefeated at school and I'm proud to say that he's remained undefeated at 4CW as well. I watch all of his matches. And seriously Camera Boy, what do I have to do to get a fucking coffee?!

Right, how stupid of me. I'd best put the kettle on.

Phil McGroin's Mum: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by the incompetence of the strange little boy operating the camera -

Great, can't wait to be humiliated when people watch this back.

Phil McGroin's Mum: - Philip has always been destined for greatness. I've always told him, "if you're being pushed around by the man, don't take that shit and hit them with a chair". We used to keep a load of those little fold-up ones that he's still so fond of so that he could practice hitting the Taxman whenever they came around demanding payment for something or other. It's important that people know their places in the world and we raised Philip to be the person that made sure everyone knew their place. There have been some hardships along the way, like that Timothy fellow.

At this stage, Phil is making a cutting gesture across his throat to get her to stop talking.

Phil McGroin's Mum: Of course dear, we don't talk about that. *mumbling* Although I still maintain that he was retarded before the multiple hits. If anything you knocked some sense into the little shit. The nerve to try and sue us. *mumbling*

Phil McGroin: Anyway, we need to move on. Camera Man, why are you still recording?! I clearly told you to cut!

Shit. Although in my defence, he was looking at her, not me. That and I was invested, I need to know more about Timothy, but I doubt I'll ever know.

Phil McGroin: Come on mum, let me show you all the new animals on the farm.

They got up and walked out the back door. I went to follow, but Phil shot me a look that said otherwise. Camera Boy knows his place, I'll just stay here and drink the coffee I made that no one touched.

Last edited by Ninjak_XO (Mon-29-Jun-2020 18:26:55)

Today, Phil just wants me to sit down with the camera and let him tell a story. I feel like I know what's coming. It'll be a story of wonder, magic and all kinds of complete and utter bullshit. On the bright side though, it'll offer his fans a unique look at the world as only Phil McGroin can see things. This is the only disclaimer you're going to get though, so don't believe everything you hear from here on out. Oh, before we get to that though, let me set the scene because that gave me a good internal laugh (it's hard at times to keep them internal, but at the same time my dentist questioned me on why I was missing a tooth last time I saw her and it's getting harder to explain, so I try not to laugh in his face anymore where possible).

When I woke up this morning, it was to the sound of a chair being dragged along the floor. I traced it's source to the dining room where Phil was busy moving things around. He wanted his armchair set in front of the fireplace it seemed. When he saw me, he demanded that I helped and so together (and by together, I mean I ended up doing everything) we moved the chair, a small table for his feet, a side table for I still don't know what and got the fire going. Phil then sat down and told me his plans for today - namely, me setting up a camera on him so that he can tell his tale to his fans whilst sitting in comfort in from to the fire. It's worth mentioning that he also has a massive portrait picture of himself above the fireplace which he demanded I got in the shot, which meant I had to have the camera back further than I would have liked.

So, on to the tale of Phil McGroin.

Beginning of recording.

My fans, I feel like it's been too long since you've seen me in glorious battle, defending my title that marks me as the greatest that 4CW has to offer. So I thought I'd tell you all of how I've been defending it during these troubling times. That's right, not even this stupid fucking pandemic can stop Phil McGroin defending his title and showing the world that he's the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. Huh, I should slogan that. Copyright it. Would you believe I just made that up right now? That's how great I am. DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, CAMERA MAN! I CAN SEE YOU!

Now, as I was saying. My title marks me as the best, so during this time I have kept defending my belt. I have to be on some sort of record right now as I near onto 100 straight title defences. My latest was against Hobo Joe. You might know him if you walk down through the town centre around here, always begging for money with his disgusting little hands that badly need a wash. So this is the tale of how I defeated Hobo Joe, once again proving that I'm the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. Copyright Phil McGroin!

I was walking through town the other day Hobo Joe eyeing up my gold. He was hungry for it, I could see it in those beady little eyes of his. So I proposed a challenge. If he beat me, he would be champion. If I won, he has to fuck off out of town. I don't care where so long as I don't have to see him. As you can see, it was high stakes and I clearly had the most to lose. I told him to be at mine for 7 pm the next day and gave him my address. You might think that's risky, giving my address to a homeless person, but really, what's he going to do? I'd like to see him try and take over my farm, he wouldn't even be able to break down a door.

But I digress. I have a wrestling ring set up and I spent the day preparing. This was going to be a glorious battle where there was more at stake than personal glory. I'm undefeated in 4CW and I dam well aimed to remain undefeated outside of 4CW as well. I even hired a ref, who turned up 10 minutes early so he was stood in the porch for 10 minutes like a loser whilst we waited for the correct time to start. Then I showed him my ring in the back garden. DON'T FUCKING LAUGH CAMERA MAN! GET OUT UNTIL I CALL YOU TO SAY I'M DONE!

At 7 pm, Hobo Joe turned up. I like that he's prompt. Not too early and not late. I can respect that. Now that he was here, I led him around to the back of the house where he was hosed down with hot water and disinfectant. If you thought I was touching his stinking grubby skin then you clearly don't know Phil McGroin. I'm sure he appreciated it, its got to be better than washing in the rain, which is what I assume he has been doing. Once that was done and he was actually touchable, I gave him a luchador outfit I'd bought specially for him and I got the ref in the ring ready to start the match.

What followed was one of the most dominant and impressive performances you'll ever see. If Camera Man was any kind of cameraman, he'd have recorded it. As it was, he was off visiting his mum in hospital for some kind of illness. Selfish really, missing my moment of glory. I expect nothing less from him though. As it was, he missed my 100-foot dive off the top of the barn as I elbow dropped Hobo Joe into the dirt. Naturally, I shrugged it off like it was nothing. That was after hitting 20 rolling German Suplexes, which I'm pretty sure, again, is some kind of record. I finished the match with a powerbomb off the top of my prized cow, Penny. Truly glorious. The ref is fired though, he'll never work for me again. If I wanted to hear "this isn't what I signed up for", "please stop already", "what is wrong with you?" then I would have gone and talked to my therapist. I hear that enough from her. I shouldn't have to demand that the ref makes the three count to end the match. That prick will never work again in wrestling, I guarantee it!

Afterwards, I gloated, because who wouldn't? I showed him who was boss, and as I stood on the top rope, I pointed at my chickens to remind them that I've beaten them all in title matches and this was my reminder to them of who is boss around here.

As you can see, I've been busy. Defending my honour and continuing to be the best that 4CW has to offer. And remember, I'm the best there is, the best there was, the best there ever will be. Copyright Phil McGroin!

End of recording

I've watched his back a few times now. I would clarify some things, but I feel like everyone knows than a barn isn't 100 foot tall. I don't even think he knows how to get up to the roof of there. Ah well, I suppose it shows you what I have to deal with around here. The sooner we get back to some form of normality, the better. And my mother has COVID, the prick!

Last edited by Ninjak_XO (Tue-10-Nov-2020 14:00:39)

What a year! Is it 2022 yet? Lockdown 2.0 started of 2021 (or was it 3.0? Who really knows at this point) and I hadn't seen Phil for a few weeks other than with his 4CW duties. He's been mostly keeping to himself, taking everything very seriously. Hazmat suit is on practically all the time and he's also started wearing a mask inside that. So the few times I've seen him, I've barely been able to make out what he's been saying. Seriously, you try listening to someone speak through a mask AND a hazmat suit. It's like talking to someone in another room with the door shut and none of you are raising your voices. Which leads me onto this morning.

I'm sat in the kitchen, minding my own business, drinking coffee and reading a book when in his strolls and starts mumbling something. I let him know that I have no idea what he's saying and he starts waving his arms about like I was meant to know what that meant. The worst part was that you could see how angry he was getting just by his eyes. He finally gave up and I thought that was it, but then he came running into the kitchen and smashed a steel chair through the table that I was sitting at. The table just smashed in half and fell to the floor whilst I casually sipped at my coffee. I saw casually, but fuck me was I scared, so I took the longest sip known to man as I didn't want to have to turn my attention elsewhere. I finally stopped the longest coffee sipping in human history when I heard the door slam, signalling that he'd left the kitchen.

I saw him an hour later and he seemed fine, and as I have no idea what he's saying to me still, I still don't know what this morning was all about. Through pointing, I found out that he wanted the camera set up as he wanted to give a promo. I recorded that shit for 45 minutes. Literally have no idea what he's said. He watched it back though and was nodding like he could, which is complete bullshit but whatever. He seemed happy with it and that's what matters. I won't be showing that to anyone though. I'm a professional, this would ruin my reputation if it ever got out. It'll just go into the "private" collection which may or may not contain videos that some might call porn. Might. I can't confirm a thing, I'm a professional.

To fill my time, I've been taking a few recordings around the farm. We're down to 10 chickens as Phil had an improptu title match with one and after pinning it seemed to decide that it would make a nice dinner. I can confirm that it did. I managed to get some lovely shots of the barn that I'm quite pleased about. As anyone living in England knows, it's been fucking cold. People sticking to lockdown rules this time around hasn't seen as many people breaking the rules, but that's only because last time it was nice summer weather and this time it's shitty cold and wet winter weather. No one wants to be outside. But getting some good shots of the cows walking around the barn in the snow has been amazing. Possibly the highlight of my time here - although if anyone says anything, I'll deny it all and stick to the line that taking videos of Phil is the highlight. You think you know how he'd react, but you don't have to live here!

Oh, here's Phil. For once I don't mind recording this purely because I need the world to see it. He's gotten dressed, still in his hazmat suit. And by dresses still in his hazmat suit, I mean he's done his usual or wearing nothing inside the hazmat suit (because apparently that's not the point of a hazmat suit, whatever the hell that means) and is wearing clothes on top of it. It's quite a look, and I'm also slightly impressed that he's managed to do it. This moment needs to be recorded in history though just for how ridiculous it looks. I'm trying not to laugh, but I accidently let out a snigger. And that's how I've ended up recounting recent events whilst laying up on the sofa with an ice pack on my head and the steel chair I was hit with set up in the corner "as a reminder" - he actually left a big fucking note on it saying that since he finally realises that I can't hear what he says.

I think I'm concussed, so I'm going to sign off for a few days and just set a camera up somewhere. He won't even know it's not turned on so it'll be fine.

Man, what a year it's been. You might be wondering what's happened to Phil McGroin. Everyone has been after all. I'd love to tell you all about what he's been doing for these past few months, but honestly, I have no idea. But great news everybody! He's promised me a sit-down interview where he'll tell all. He finally came home last night after months away, didn't speak much other than to tell me to get ready for today.

So as you'd expect, I've spent my morning setting everything up. The fire is on, his big leather chair is set next to it, his bubble-blowing "smoking pipe" is on the armrest for him to use as he pleases as he contemplates his life, the wall lights on are instead of the ceiling lights for atmosphere and my camera is set up on the tripod so I can give my arm a rest. Because you know, I've been doing a lot of camera work since April whilst on my own looking after the farm whilst Phil's been off doing fuck knows what.

This was meant to start at 10 am, but Phil being Phil always turns up half an hour late just to "show dominance". The last time I tried talking to him about how unprofessional it was he said, and I quote, "time waits for no man, and so fuck time and fuck whatever time someone wants me to do something. I own my time so I'll do whatever the fuck I want with it, okay". It didn't actually answer my question on why he was late or address his unprofessionalism but who am I to question his logic. In any case, it gives me time to make sure that I have everything set up correctly - the lighting, the angle, plenty of room on the memory card and a full battery on the camera. He's making his glorious return so I need to make sure that I get all of this. It's been a blissful few months so it won't do to ruin that within the first 24 hours of him being back by messing this up.

Phil McGroin: Hey good buddy, thanks for the coffee.

Literally just snatched my coffee out of my hand. Internalise the rage. Internalise the fucking rage Camera Man, you can do it!

Camera Man: No problem. Shall we begin?

Ground my teeth so hard then that I think I broke one. Phil gets comfortable and I hit record.

Phil McGroin: My loyal subjects, I know I've deserted you for a while, but it was for good reason. I had to come to terms with the fact that I lost a match and my title. It was tough, considering I'm the greatest wrestler to ever exist. They didn't give me the trademarked and definitely never before used saying "The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be". So I took some time to find inner peace. I'm a new man, I'm better than ever before and I'm - DID YOU JUST FUCKING LAUGH AT ME?!

I only just ducked in time as he launched the bubble-blowing smoking pipe at me. That would have hurt if it connected.

Phil McGroin: Now, as I was saying. I'm a changed man. Calmer, more reflective and not prone to random outbursts of rage. It wasn't good for me and so I don't do that anymore. You see, my time away was spent in the highlands speaking to monks of the highest order. They spoke with a nice accent and called me Coont as a nice term of endearment regularly.

He pauses to stare me out for a bit as I'm clearly struggling not to laugh.

Phil McGroin: They taught me to be better. Taught me how to hone my natural skills in wrestling. How to perfectly chop someone in the neck to devastating effect without hurting your hand. If you're lucky Camera Man I'll demonstrate it on you some time.

Man, I've not missed that sly smile he does towards me at times. Creeps me out. He stares at me for a solid 5 minutes which is weird as fuck and I'm about to reach up and press pause when he continues.

Phil McGroin: 4CW is on notice. I'm back, I'm better than ever and I'm here to tear shit up. I want my title back. My title... yeah, my title. It was mine, wasn't it? Yes, yes it was. It's mine! YOU HEAR ME, FUCKING MINE AND I NEVER LOST IT ANYWAY, I'M FUCKING UNDEFEATED! YEAH BABY, I'M BACK! UNDEFEATED, THE BEST IN THE WORLD. I'M PHIL FUCKING MCGROIN AND I'M RIPPING EVERYONE A NEW ASSHOLE AS I GET BACK TO MY RIGHTFUL PLACE!

And with that, he storms off. Well, that was something.