Depression

Oh yeah... I've also heard people say music can be a really good one. Doesn't overly work for me but who knows with you.

I use humour a lot as well... there are only 2 things that I have that I will not joke about. Depression and suicide. I think about dying all the time so I know that the day I start to joke about suicide and treat it like a joke is the day that I don't take it seriously... which will mean I try and do it. So I don't joke about it and I hope I never find humour in it. But I find humour in everything else.

Interesting. I get this, but also my take on this was pretty different in the past. I've used humorous, cartoon-like imagery in my head in the past, as a means of taking the edge off of suicidal ideation. The idea was to take the power out of those thoughts by exaggerating them to the point that they seem ridiculous. This method fell away from me at some point; not sure of exactly when, really. Probably saw the very last of it during August 2018, which was when I hit my lowest point ever with depression and suicidal ideation.

In terms of how I cope with depression, what I immediately think of is, quite simply, professional help / reaching out to the right people. I've had a lot of experiences with mental health care over the years, all of varying degrees of quality and suitability to my needs at a given time. I lived in small towns and tiny cities for most of my life, which didn't allow for any real choice in terms of MH care. There were no specialists for me to turn to here. After coming out to myself as a trans woman, seeing specialists became a necessity. That's when I started regularly making trips to St John's - the largest city and the capital of Newfoundland. (I've lived my whole life in this province.) I went on to be introduced to more and more people and concepts that opened my eyes to areas of mental health I either 1) had never really explored in a calm, controlled environment or 2) had explored, but not with the right person (or type of professional). I've amassed a lot of useful and in some cases, invaluable, resources over the past few years, and also moved to the capital so that I could more easily and consistently access the services that were helping me improve myself--or even keeping me afloat, in my darkest times. I had to tear down a lot of my mental walls and expand my comfort zones in order to get where I am today. To say that's difficult is a severe understatement. There have been many times when I lacked the drive to fight forward, or reach out. I think it may be more accurate to say that the pursuit of one goal (my transition) ultimately opened up so many avenues of mental health care that, well... reaching out, at the professional level, has become something like a "force of habit" kinda thing. I've learned to take a chance on things through a mix of trial-and-error and guidance from others who have insight into worthwhile contacts to turn to. In my time here in the city, I've called the crisis line three times. I don't really have proper in-person friends; no one truly *close* anyway, or at least not here in the city. I did for a bit, but they faded off over time, either "too busy" or openly flaky, that sorta shit. And I didn't wanna talk to anyone who's invested in my life, anyone who'd worry or freak out or likewise. The first time I called the crisis line,  idea of it scared me. But I'd been sitting there staring at my phone anyway, and couldn't think of any better number to call at the time. So I did. When I'm super low, IM and phone chats don't quite have the same effect as in-person interaction. This night, I was in a bad way and frankly, when the in-person response team showed up and talked with me, I downplayed things. But we had a decent talk anyway, and by the time they'd left, my mental state had shifted a lot. And what I'd said to them--that I wouldn't harm myself or worse after they leave--became actually true. I slept, and when I woke up, I faced the next day on my own. The last time I had them round, I made it known to the guy on the phone that I was just having a really rough night and could really use an in-person interaction with people who know how to talk to someone who's in a bad state of mind and aren't personally invested in my life. I told him that if I could get them round, I'd be okay. He sent the mobile response team to my place. And I was right. Shit turned around enough to settle down and get to bed, just like I'd learned to expect from the first time I took a chance on the crisis line's phone number in my contact list.

I've also had horrible experiences with mental health care, including a rather traumatic one. So... yeah. It's kind of a crapshoot, I guess. Maybe none of that is helpful to anyone, heh. I'm just aware that in spite of the severe fucking negative experiences, professional help has been largely responsible for keeping me going, on many occasions and in little ongoing ways.

I love music, and it can help with certain forms of low mood. That said, it doesn't seem to do much, if anything, for my depressive episodes. It's just familiar; I almost always have music or some other BG noise on. I can't stand silence, alone with my thoughts and nothing else. Music's been invaluable to me for most of my life. I play bass and such, too. But none of that adds up to anything when I'm really, truly low. Forcing oneself to stay busy can help, though it's not foolproof, in my experience. In terms of friends and the like, well. That varies, too. Sometimes, a good chat/bit of venting can do a lot. Sometimes, I don't even want to vent, or talk to anyone. I may make myself do so at times, but there's no guarantee or consistency in my drive or response.

I have no real conclusion to this, heh. Just sharing. And may I say, all the best to you both, and the others on here who struggle with depression. 🙂

Last edited by Pilgrim Paige (Mon-6-May-2019 03:06:23)

I'm sure there are some people here who suffer with this. How do you deal with it?

I've been taking some real effort to try and get up at a set time every day (failing mostly, but nearly there). Also started working out every day. And I'm trying to eat healthily.

I've lost 2 and a half stone in the last 2 months, but I'm feeling healthy body wise now which is good. Just trying to get healthy head wise. On antidepressants, but I've refused the offer to up them any more, as I don't want to be dependant on them. So how do other people deal with it? Some ideas to try could be useful. Don't expect them all to work, but you never know what might and someone might have an idea that I (or yourself) hadn't thought of.

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